getting your shit together

Sometimes being on program, WW-wise, also helps me get my other shit together. Over the last two-ish weeks I have spent some QT on my finances whilst remaining relatively on program food and half-marathon-training-wise. I’ve done my taxes, made a bill-paying system for my housemates and I, figured out how to pay off all my student debt by May-ish, and how to start saving for super adult things like a house.

guilt

Do you ever feel guilty about making people feel guilty about what they eat? It is not like you are trying to. Your food choices are about you. Not any one else. But sometimes, at home, I feel bad for not eating the junk because everyone else is and me not eating it makes them cognizant of their own bad food choices. Also, I feel guilty for going to the gym, only for an hour or so, because that is cutting into our quality time. Which is messed up.

I am only in town with the ‘rents for a few days, so I made my long run into a tempo run today, which took like an hour less time than the long run would have. It was a tough run. I barely slept at all last night and was dragging ass the whole time. I’ll do my long run when I am back in my hood. We have nicer running paths anyway. And it cuts back on the guilt.

forserious adulthood time

I just applied to graduate. Just now. I have been doing my MA for 3 years. And not because it is a 3 year program. Also, I just got a promotion. Like yesterday. So, I think it is official.

I am actually an adult.

Sure, I’ve been paying taxes and working a forserious job for a few years now, but I have always had the go-to excuse of school to avoid doing things or people. (Also, when I was overweighter, I pretty much just avoided everyone all the time because I was so down on myself.)

I don’t have the “I can’t, I have school work” excuse anymore.

Now I am forseriously forrealiously adult, and I can choose what kind of adult — what kind of person I want to be.

I want to be happy.

I want to be healthy.

I want to engage with my community.

I want to make time for friends as well as myself.

I want to have an excellent work-life balance.

On being healthy: I am on the road to there, but have some work to do, mentally, physically. Physically-wise I think I am going to move away from the whole WW weigh-in thing toward working on my percent body fat. If I lose 1 lb of fat but gain 1 lb of muscle I’d like to see those results, and WW alone does not allow me to do that. Mentally, I think I am too number-on-the scale focused, and that number, as-is, might not be a good measure of my improving athleticism. So, eff that number. I am buying a new scale that can read body fat, and am seriously considering not buying more WW tickets and going it alone. I find I have this weird WW mentality where I will eat more or less on any given day depending on how close that day is to my meeting. Which is kind of messed. And I am not getting a lot from the actual meetings. I think I can be intrinsically motivated enough to go at it alone.

I’ll keep you posted.

Bizarro Week

If you are awesome enough to read comicbooks you would be aware of a villain of Superman’s known as BIZARRO. He has reverse versions of Kryptonian powers including freeze-vision, heat-breath, vacuum breath, spot-light vision, x-ray hearing. Those powers are kind of cool. This week I pretty much had opposite powers of last week. So, I had the power to eat Big Macs with the greatest of ease, leap over tall buildings in order to get blueberry fritters, exercise my right to not exercise, and not keep track of what I was eating. The only super power that remained was the grumpyness. I was able to clear rooms (such as my office) with mere glances. Which is pretty handy when you are irritated with yourself for being so off-program. Oh that part about leaping  over tall buildings to get donuts was untrue – I just picked them up on the way to work on foot.

So, what the fuck is causing Bizarro to reign in a crisis of infinite appetite? (Umm crisis of infinite earths reference? No? Drop the comicbook talk? ‘Kay.) I am stressed the fuck out. I have two term papers due within 3 weeks for school, my new boss is a douchebag, and all of this is cutting into my sleep time.

How will I fight my kryptonite? Seems like more sleep could really help. And making my schedule slightly less ridiculous via helpful time management so I have the time to plan for success – that is, to grocery shop, pack lunches, make dinner instead of eating out. Tomorrow is Friday. I am going to stay in, make myself something nutritious and delicious for dinner, and go to bed inordinately early. And it shall be glorious. Saturday morning I have coerced a friend into running 12 km with me, and Sunday I am doing a spinning class with another friend.

You’re dead Bizarro.

At least for now.

(Cause yeah, in comicbooks dead people always come back. Like the phoenix. Seriously, how many times has she died?? Oh wait I dropped the comics thing. Shit.)

Me vs. Weekends

I work an office job, so managing what I eat during the week is pretty simple, on account of the whole schedule thing.

Drag ass out of bed. Half asleeply eat cereal. Pack a fruit for a morning snack, vegetableful lunch, 2:00 snack, and go. Go to gym post-work. Eat sensible dinner upon arrival at home. Repeat x 5.

Enter weekend. I wake up late, make poor food choices, and am generally pretty lazy.

Anyone else losing the battle against weekends?

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

One of my closest friends just joined WW. (Uber proud of you, dudette!) This has got me thinking about my health and weight – where I have been, where I am, where I am going. Her commitment to her health  inspired me to revisit this blog, and I got a bit of a kick out of re-reading my ups and downs.

It’s been months since my last post. A lot has happened. I just completed my second half-marathon (21.1km) on Sunday. According to this blog, I started running November 18, 2007. So, under a year later I hammered out two half-marathons. A year (ish) ago I found running 3 km difficult/nearly impossible. It’s kind of amazing to stand back and think of it that way.

During the summer I took up dragon boating, and eventually became the co-captain of a competitive team. At the last festival we blew our best time out of the water, and I met some friendly, athletic women along the way. One of whom is now my weight lifting buddy. (Just re-started a weight lifting regime a month ago, and am already seeing results.)

I’ve also removed my head from my ass school-wise, too. I am on track to finish my MA for April.

Weight gain was a symptom of some seriously low self esteem, self worth, and confidence. I feel like I am getting back to who I am, and that feels pretty spectacular (more on this in another post, this one is already a novella an I’m not done).

I’ve quit weight watchers. I figure I learned all I could from them, and have the support mechanisms I need to succeed. Interestingly, I weigh roughly the same as I did last time I blogged. Apparently, according to my BMI, 150 is the MAXIMUM I should weigh, and I am thusly 15 pounds overweight.

I have plateaued.

Ultimately, I’d like to train for a full marathon. I have signed up for a 30 km race as litmus to see if 42.2 km is doable. Being overweight makes running harder on your body, and is bad for running economy. Have I mentioned I don’t feel overweight? I don’t. This whole BMI thing bugs me. Even though I don’t want to worry about the scale and about numbers, it is for sure in the back of my mind – especially when I step on the scale, or head out for a long run. I suspect it also bothers me because I am aware that I have stopped challenging myself to eat better (even though I continue to challenge myself as an athlete). I’ve accepted that this is the best I can do, when it isn’t, if I am honest with myself.

I don’t want to be a slave to the scale. But, at the same time, I think there is some wiggle room for me to do better food-wise. Inspired by my friend, I am going to start tracking again. I need to find the balance between obsessing and being cognisant of my weight. I am going to try harder to see if I have reached my potential, or maybe discover that I haven’t. Watching what I eat, and especially monitoring portion size, might just make me harder, better, faster, and stronger. Especially with all this running.

time to clean up my act

“p4p?! When did you come out of retirement??”

I played in a volleyball tourney yesterday with some people I haven’t seen for like 2 years. Two years! It’s not like I dislike these people. I just stopped being around. For 2 years! I think the being overweight thing (in combination with the rut which contributed to my overweightness) made me turn down my socialability and turn up my hermitdom. I have been being more social lately like going out for drinks or movies and just generally doing what 20 somethings do – and it’s been great! I think I was embarrassed about my size, and just generally down for a long time, so I made excuses not to go out with people – people whose company I thoroughly enjoy.

Post-tourney I ended up hanging out with a cute boy, and could have invited him to my place for a couple of pints if my apartment wasn’t ridiculously messy and so obviously rarely visited by anyone besides myself. It’s time to clean up my act. If I’m going to stop being a hermit (or, more accurately, turn down my hermit tendencies slightly…I’m not about to be ultra social to the max people, it’s not the way I roll…) it’s entirely possible that I am going to have to put my clothes away and not have half-read books strewn everywhere and the floor littered with unopened mail.

done binging

Warning: Non-Weight Watcher Content

For the last few months I have been binging pretty hard on daydreaming. For the last few years, really. A bit of fantasy is good from time to time, but spending too much time in your head is probably a bad thing.

The DOWNLOW on the cause of my lowdowns…

I get crushes on my guyfriends. Then, I daydream about what could happen, all the while ignoring the reality that I am securely situated in the friendzone and that it’s sooo no going to happen. THEN, I get disappointed when they start seeing someone they are actually attracted to.

I set myself up to be knocked down. Then, I get knocked down. Repeat.

Why the fuck do I do this? Self esteemy issues, probably.

Given that I am the Creator of this fantasyland I am pretty sure I have the authority to shut ‘er down. So, Current Crush, I shall no longer fantasize about you. Have you seen love, actually? You know that scene with the dude who had a thing for Kiera Knightly holding up the post-its? Yeah, just like that.

Enough. Enough now.

are you losing weight?

I have lost a bit over 20 pounds. It looks like I have lost a bit over 20 pounds. But I still have friends – who I see on a regular basis (i.e., weekly) – who still ask me: “are you losing weight”? Yes, I am losing weight. We went over this last week. You can tell cause of the skinnier.

Maybe this is their way of acknowledging my ongoing progress?

…It’s still awkward.

Then, I have another close friend who refuses to acknowledge any weight fluctuation on my part because some sort of politeness issue.

Reactions to weight loss are weird.

self esteem

I am having some forserious self esteem issues lately that have nothing at all to do with weight.

I have this stupid 15-year-old-esq crush on a friend of mine who I am fairly sure does not reciprocate. I see him once a week for a team thing and every time I get all worked up beforehand like maybe today he’ll let me know he has a deep, undying love for me and secretly wants to make babies with me, or you know will let me know he doesn’t have a girlfriend, or will flirt – even a little. But it never happens. He’s probably not into me. And I realize this every time we part ways and I feel a little stupid. Correction: I feel straight up like shit wondering if it makes him feel awkward that his friend has the puppyloves for him. (Note: I am on the verge if tears here.)

It would make me feel uncomfortable too if I knew someone was really into me and I just didn’t feel it back.

I know I should get over it and flirt with other guys and look for other options in people accessible to me, people who think I’m the shiznit. But, I’ve never been any good at flirting. I have always been one of the guys so I never exactly mastered the flirting thing. Then, I got bigger and decided against flirting thing, deciding guys probably weren’t into me because I wasn’t worthwhile. Now I am feeling good about myself, that is, until highschool p4p kicks in every Thursday fucking night and bludgeons the shit out of my self esteem.