same numbers, same girl

Formerly 196, I now weigh 169; I am down 3.5 from my last weigh in (last week).

Working out is still a challenge most of the time.

If I buy a box of cookies or a half dozen scones I will still eat way, way too many of them instead of keeping some for later.

I seriously consider eating an entire pizza to myself for dinner most nights.

I have low confidence despite a most excellent facade.

But, now I make better choices (most of the time).

spaghetti squash = not bullshit (forserious)

I have a deep, undying, unnatural love for pasta. I can probably attribute most of my weight gain to deliciously wonderful, gluttonous-in-magnitude pasta consumption.

Recently I have made the switch to spaghetti squash (in lieu of pasta). And it is good. Forserious!

I know what you are thinking, squash is no pasta. This is true. I was pretty reticent to try it, too. But now that I have I make it like twice a week. If you have yet to try it, give’r a go.

How to Cook Spaghetti Squash

• Cut in Half (if too difficult to cut fork some holes in it and toss er in the microwave for 3 min)
• Remove innards of squash (not unlike you would a pumpkin)
• Put cut-side down on cookie sheet in some water
• Cook at 350 for half an hour
• FORK out squash
• Consume

I usually make it like I would pasta – top it off with tomato sauce or pesto – either way is pretty delicious. I also cook up meatballs or turkey sausage to have with it. Freaking glorious.

are you losing weight?

I have lost a bit over 20 pounds. It looks like I have lost a bit over 20 pounds. But I still have friends – who I see on a regular basis (i.e., weekly) – who still ask me: “are you losing weight”? Yes, I am losing weight. We went over this last week. You can tell cause of the skinnier.

Maybe this is their way of acknowledging my ongoing progress?

…It’s still awkward.

Then, I have another close friend who refuses to acknowledge any weight fluctuation on my part because some sort of politeness issue.

Reactions to weight loss are weird.

self esteem

I am having some forserious self esteem issues lately that have nothing at all to do with weight.

I have this stupid 15-year-old-esq crush on a friend of mine who I am fairly sure does not reciprocate. I see him once a week for a team thing and every time I get all worked up beforehand like maybe today he’ll let me know he has a deep, undying love for me and secretly wants to make babies with me, or you know will let me know he doesn’t have a girlfriend, or will flirt – even a little. But it never happens. He’s probably not into me. And I realize this every time we part ways and I feel a little stupid. Correction: I feel straight up like shit wondering if it makes him feel awkward that his friend has the puppyloves for him. (Note: I am on the verge if tears here.)

It would make me feel uncomfortable too if I knew someone was really into me and I just didn’t feel it back.

I know I should get over it and flirt with other guys and look for other options in people accessible to me, people who think I’m the shiznit. But, I’ve never been any good at flirting. I have always been one of the guys so I never exactly mastered the flirting thing. Then, I got bigger and decided against flirting thing, deciding guys probably weren’t into me because I wasn’t worthwhile. Now I am feeling good about myself, that is, until highschool p4p kicks in every Thursday fucking night and bludgeons the shit out of my self esteem.

sick of it

I went out to an infamous burger joint Friday with some friends. It was crazy busy and I didn’t get to eat till like 8:30. So I overate. And I felt like crap afterward. Full-on nauseated. I didn’t actually enjoy the fried food nor eating way more of it than necessary.

And so marked the end of my hiatus.

Reader, you may have noticed my lack of blogging. I also stopped attending meetings / weighing-in for 2 weeks. During the first week I overate at almost every dinnertime (a notorious pre-WW behaviour). I ate out most every day for lunch. I ate a forserious amount of Oreos and also pizza. I was sick of the WW bullshit and keeping track of what I ate and meal planning and packing lunches and not eating copious amounts of glorious chocolate whenever the urge hit. I felt like french fries. And baked goods. And napping. And ignoring whatever is going on in my life that I am unhappy with. And I am sick of it.

You know what I am not sick of? I am not sick of getting compliments about my weight loss. I am not sick of my pants getting looser and looser. I am not sick of having more energy than I have had in years. I am not sick of being better at volleyball because I am carrying less weight. I am not sick of going to the gym – I don’t always enjoy exercising, but I do like what it is doing for me. I am not sick of muscles peeking out of my previously undefined legs. I am not sick of becoming healthier and focusing on what is good for me instead of what is good for parasitic friend-types.

And so I attended my meeting this morning and am down 6 lbs from last weigh-in.

It seems I wasn’t entirely off track during my two-week rut. WW has taught me how to eat better, even when I am forseriously down on myself. The loss could also have something to do with me starting to train for a 10 km run that is in a few months.

So, I have come to realize I am sick of my ad hoc eating practices, and am back on track.

At least for the time being.

blag

I had a really good blog planned for when I finally reached my 10% goal. It was going to involve talking about things that worked for me and things that haven’t and it was all going to pithily lead to a glorious plan for the future. Instead, I gained .5 instead of losing 1 and am feeling generally lousy. Has weight loss fucked with anyone else’s period? I have had it like 3 times in the last 6 weeks; I’m anemic so I’m tired as shit, grumpy and generally awesome to be around.